I am beginning a program to focus on writing. First assignment is to write. Hmmm….funny how that works. It says to begin where you are. To free form spill it. It’s not easy to really capture where you are … right this minute. My days lately have been consumed with two things: 1) work and transition, and 2) pain and lifestyle changes.
Work and transition. As most people know I left a ten year career 7 months ago. I don’t think I realized how working at a church filled you up and how empty you can feel when it’s gone. It was 24/7, no – not 40 hrs a week, but literally 24/7 ministry. From the day to day work to the “outside/other” ministry opportunities, it was a fast paced “God use me where you want me” work life. Being a Christian, I am poised and ready for God to use me. At North Coast, it was daily for 10 years. Now, I sit. And sit. And sit waiting to see how and where He wants me. Much harder to tell in this new life how or if I’m being used. Doesn’t feel like it. For the better part of the last 10 years God has been loud – I could hear Him moving me, pushing me, growing me. Now I’m listening for whispers and getting an awful lot of silence.
Transitionally, I am also still trying to get me feet firmly under me. New job, new tasks, new staff, new environment, new everything. It’s been 7 months and logically in my mind, I’d say my feet should be firmly planted, but most days I feel like I am walking on marbles. Why is it so hard to get planted, to feel stable? For this, at least currently, I have no answers. Me! Who usually has answers for everything. No answers – shocking I know!
Secondly, life is consumed with pain. Just over 18 months ago, I started having daily headaches … sometimes moving to migraines, but mostly just ever present headaches. After much to-do, they appear to be a natural progression of Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with Fibro something like 5 years ago. The first two years, I stood by the claim that I’m not convinced it even existed – so certainly I can’t have it. It’s a myth. Made up by lazy people. At the same time I was told I have Osteoarthritis. Ok that one makes sense and I know does exist. Now some 5 years later, I’m told I have progressed to sever Fibromyalgia which brings with it daily headaches leaning towards migraines. Hmmm….I guess it does exist. Well that sucks. I’ve always been a work horse, taking more than my share, longer, harder, pushing thru. As I look back, the things I’ve done were like moving mountains. It’s like I personally built the Great Wall of China, carrying each and every stone up the mountain. I’ve been on that mountain, twice, it’s BIG. So now it’s daunting and discouraging to spend a considerable amount of energy each day pushing thru body pain, head pain and ridiculous fatigue. Seriously, in my mind I can build the Great Wall and now it’s an accomplishment to make it thru the day without a breakdown. Stupid. (and scary)
My “writing assignment” says to go with the “current” of my emotions – where I am now. I am reaching deep to find that inspirational touch. That “but here’s the silver lining.” But sometimes it’s just not there. Sometimes it’s just stupid. That’s what I got – stupid.
WEBSTER DICTIONARY
stu·pid
ˈst(y)o͞opəd/
adjective
1. Lacking intelligence or common sense
Synonyms: unintelligent, ignorant, dense, foolish, dull-witted, slow, simpleminded, vacuous, vapid, idiotic, obtuse, doltish.
URBAN DICTIONARY
Someone who has to look up “stupid” in the dictionary because they don’t know what it means.
OKAY, now that’s funny! So I think the inspiration here is that life is not stupid, I am for not appreciating life, appreciating all I do have, appreciating the amazing gift of every day …. every sunrise, every sunset, every glorious breath. Who knew that God speaks thru the Urban Dictionary? Yeah that was a bit more than a whisper.
Writing assignment done.
