A friend of mine committed suicide last week. I guess I use the term friend loosely as we had lost touch over the last 20 years. But for the 17 years before that, she was an integral part of my life, my business, and I called her friend. She was one of a few remaining people who not only knew my mom but was in her circle, her community. It’s an odd thing to think about.  My mom died 27 years ago last week, as well.

Since hearing the news, I’ve been turning over in my mind, over and over and over, how do you get to the point of putting a gun to your head? How does life get that low, that lonely, that unbearable?

I’ve suffered from depression on and off my entire life. The last few months have been difficult for me in regard to depression. Many days I’ve had to force myself to participate and I’ve been lost to my own thoughts. But I’ve pushed through and in the back of my mind, I know it will get better – at some point. This is only said in acknowledgment that I have peered into the dark hole that is depression. I have felt the spiral, felt the pull to sink into its depth, into the darkness that it brings. But being, I guess one of the lucky ones, I have stood at the brink but have never sunk to despair. So again, how devasting to understand that for some (and, in truth for many), life can become unbearable enough to pick up a gun.

My old friend was a vibrant, artistic, creative, innovative woman, give or take about my age. She reached out to a friend the week before and said she was struggling. Maybe that was a cry for help, or maybe not. Obviously, it didn’t carry the weight of urgency, and no one expected it to end in death by her own hand. I don’t know the details. I don’t know if she was ill, heartbroken, struggling with mental illness, or fell into the darkness of depression. It doesn’t really matter, does it? When suicide occurs, we can never truly understand or comprehend what someone is going through. We are not walking in their shoes nor can we track what took place in their mind. All we know is the brutality of suicide.

Though we may never truly know the story of someone who takes their own life,  statistics show that 90% of those who completed suicide had a history of mental illness in the year leading up to the event. This takes us to the topic of mental health and how we as a society, more importantly, we as individuals, approach the subject and accept that things need to change, we need to change, we need to do better.

When we talk about mental health and suicide, we cannot ignore the fact that the majority of us do not have the knowledge to recognize signs or symptoms within ourselves or others until it is too late. As a society we hide stress, anxiety and depression, refusing to recognize the symptoms, refusing to accept that there are symptoms, hiding it from everyone and simply not talking about it. There is still a taboo. If you are suffering from depression, anxiety or stress, you are somehow deemed weak. Suck it up buttercup, put on your big girl panties and push through. But what if you can’t? What if the weight is just too much?  Be honest now, be true to yourself, does this ever sound like you?

Almost 20 years ago, I met God. I had always known of His existence, as that supreme being guy in the sky. Insert eye-roll. But through an extreme series of events, I met God and began a personal one-on-one journey with Him. It was through this that I came to recognize that my self-worth, value, stability, and fulfillment come from Him. When I stand on the precipice of darkness, I can grab on to Him and use His strength to keep me from falling in. That is a blessing and a gift that I treasure every day.

I believe I will continue to contemplate how life can turn into a place where the only option is to take your own life. The sadness is palpable. The heartbreak is real. I am sorry I lost track of my friend. I doubt I would have made a difference, but I would have tried. I am sorry that she no longer walks this earth and I pray she is at peace. She was a brilliant light, but I suspect she had lost sight of that.  Rest easy Victoria, you are missed. You made the world a better place.