Over the years I have suffered on and off with depression. There are/were times it became overwhelming and times it was present, but manageable. Often I can feel it coming on … sort of a spiraling down effect. If I can recognize it before I get too close to the symbolic drain, I can catch myself and redirect.
The last couple of months, the depression has been overwhelming often engulfing me before I have any chance of redirecting. There are a lot of things happening in my life that I can easily attribute to the depression. There have been significant, and somewhat necessary, endings. Changes in career, in my God purpose (or what feels like lack of purpose, lack of impact), diminishing of health and even my circle of friends becoming much smaller.
That all said, my life is incredibly blessed. My church, my husband, my family, my home, my business, my growth group, my friends …. I can go on and on how God blesses me. Every single day. So how is it that you can recognize how blessed you are in life yet still spiral into an abyss of depression? When I logically process it, I think depression is incredibly selfish … especially when we, as Americans, live in such a blessed, modern and industrial society. The opportunities, privileges and luxuries we enjoy cannot go unmentioned. The things I experience on a daily basis are incredible, yet…yet…yet waves of depression, disillusionment and even despair can come out of nowhere and engulf. Why?
Because depression is not logical. It cannot be compartmentalized in my over-analytical mind. I can’t just be “talked out of it.” And, I can’t just “talk myself out of it.” I either have to wait it out and swim my way to the surface or I have to give it over to God. Only He can change my heart, my mind, my irrational emotions. Only He can take the mush of thoughts, reorganize them and show me the blessings I have. He shows me the light at the end of the tunnel and reminds me that I am here to be the light. And when I am the light, found through gratitude and faith, the darkness can’t close in.